


The Catharsis in the Cerebrum

by Baccatapages



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesia, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Emotionally Repressed, Established relationship (technically), F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Miscommunication, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, merlin needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 19:01:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14455725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baccatapages/pseuds/Baccatapages
Summary: After Merlin wakes from an accident, he remembers his life as it would be without Arthur in it. So to speak, Merlin believes he is without a rock to cling onto so he falls into a spiraling depression he didn't even know he had.





	The Catharsis in the Cerebrum

Merlin never saw the car coming.

 _Correction_ , the driver never saw Merlin coming.

He'd been well within his rights to step out onto the zebra crossing with the green man lit up by the pavement, but apparently the driver was drunk, angry and didn't particularly give a damn. Thankfully, he cared enough not to run Merlin over _completely_. Just, you know, hit him and then run. Really feelin' the love.

Thankfully, several people had seen and either took down the number plate, called 999 or both. It was that that probably saved Merlin's life otherwise he would've died from blood loss as head wounds bleed like a geyser. Merlin's emergency contact, Arthur, was called one Merlin had reached the '90% sure going to survive' zone. Said Pendragon was actually visiting his family at the time, but Uther offered to drive Arthur down as he was such a worrying mess. 

Once they reached the reception, Arthur nearly shouted the name at the poor receptionist. However, she calmly told him which room Merlin was in and father and son raced there and tried not to look ridiculous. 

Arthur nearly fainted at the sight of Merlin hooked up to various different machines and with tubes stuck in various parts of his body. He pulled up a chair and refused to budge (unless he had to go to the toilet) until Merlin woke up. Uther had to return home for work, but promised to check in.

As the weeks passed, the nurses and doctors got used to seeing Arthur there, waiting for Merlin to wake up. 

'Arthur?'

Arthur looked up to see Gwen and Lance, who had been in South America for their honeymoon, standing there looking concerned.

'How is he?' Gwen asked, moving to stand by Merlin's bed.

'The doctors don't know why he's still asleep.' Arthur said in a bland, monotone voice.

'He'll wake up.' Lance said, patting Arthur on the shoulder. 

'What if he doesn't?' Arthur asked in a pained voice.

'If- _If_ they decide to pull the plug.' Gwen said. 'Merlin wanted me to give you something, a final goodbye.'

'He's breathing on his own.' Arthur sighed and sat down on the chair he had called home for the previous month. 'He should be awake, dammit.'

'Arthur, just go have a shower.' Lance said. 'God knows you need one. Eat a proper meal and then come back. Me and Gwen will stay here until you get back and we'll call you if Merlin wakes up.'

After they managed to lock Arthur out of the room, he trudged back to his flat and did as he was ordered. Halfway scarfing down some casserole that his mum had given them in case of emergencies, his phone beeped. It was a message from Lance.

**From Lance, 16:34pm: Merlin's awake and confused**

Arthur tugged on some fresh clothes, abandoned his meal and dashed out of his and Merlin's flat.

 

When he heard Merlin's voice, Arthur nearly cried with relief. He turned the corner and saw through the open doorway that Merlin was up, dressed and talking. 'I think you're mad. I think you're all mad.' Merlin huffed while a doctor was peering into his left eye with a small torch.

Merlin saw Arthur but didn't really _see_ him in the way that Arthur was used to. 'I don't have a boyfriend, i'm telling you!' 

Arthur walked in hesitantly, afraid of what he might find. 'Hi, Merlin.' 

'Who's this?' Merlin pointed to Arthur and Gwen looked lost.

'Arthur, your boyfriend we were telling you about.' Lancelot said. Arthur gave a small wave.

'Look, can you guys just leave?' Merlin said harshly, confusing the three friends in the room. The doctor looked grim.

Gwen gently tugged Arthur out and left new-Merlin to be checked up on by the doctor. After ten minutes or so, the doctor came back out and closed the door so Merlin couldn't hear. 'I believe Mr. Emrys has selective amnesia.' She announced. 'Selective amnesia is a type of amnesia in which the victim loses certain parts of his/her memory.'

'Does it bring about a personality change?' Lancelot asked.

'It's possible his brain has created memories and reflects what he would be like if he had not met Mr. Pendragon here.' She nodded to Arthur who looked awful.

'I don't get it, though. Merlin was always so cheerful when I met him. Even if everyone else around him was miserable.' Gwen said sadly.

'I advise he speak to a psychiatrist. Or a psychologist at the very least.' The doctor said. 'But he is fit to go home. Does he have any blood relatives?' The three racked their brains for any mentioned family and felt terrible when they couldn't think of any still alive. His mother had died two years previously in a car crash, his uncle had passed on from old age three years ago and his father wasn't in the picture. The doctor pursed her lips. 'Then perhaps he should stay with you two while we await his memory's return.' 

'It will come back, won't it?' Arthur asked.

'I'm mostly sure. It may take hours, days, weeks, months or even years but he will get there.' The doctor assured. 

 

Gwen and Lance gave daily reports of what they'd found out.

-Merlin knew Gwen and Lance through _work_ , not through Arthur

-Merlin seemed to have Arthur-sized gaps in events, and filled it in with things he assumed, drastically changing his attitude

-He was showing classic signs of depression

The psychiatrist suggested showing Merlin some photos or things of significance. So after work, Arthur went over to Gwen and Lance's. 'Good luck getting him out of his room.' Lance huffed. 'Barely comes out, even for food.'

'I don't think he even realises he's so angry at everything.' Gwen said, clutching a mug of tea.

Arthur nodded, holding the shoe box filled with memories. He made his way to the spare bedroom and knocked gently. 'Merlin? It's Arthur.'

A few seconds passed and Merlin wrenched the door open with bloodshot eyes and looking pissed. 'Are you here to try and get me to remember a life I don't remember having?' Growled the normally so sweet Merlin.

'I just wanted to show you some things that might help.' Arthur said. 'Please, just humour me.' 

Merlin sighed, rolled his eyes like a moody teenager and turned, sat down on the edge of the bed but left the door open. Arthur entered and closed the door gently. He sat down beside Merlin gingerly. 

'Pick one.' Arthur held out the box.

Merlin sighed and pulled out a voodoo doll, frowning. 'The hell?'

'We were at a craft fair in St Alban's and it seemed to offend you by just existing. It was part of a prank war we were having at the time and I kept making it seem like the doll was moving around by itself.' Arthur said fondly. 

'This?' Merlin held up an old cassette tape. 

'Our first dance.' 

'It says Motzart on it.' Merlin wrinkled his nose.

Arthur shrugged. 'It's not actually Motzart. Just a playlist I cobbled together last minute.'

'Where was this taken?' Merlin looked at a picture of him, Arthur, Morgana, Uther and Ygraine all by a blazing fireplace.

'Last Christmas.' Arthur said slowly. 'That was a brilliant day.'

'In my head.' Merlin said bitterly. 'Last Christmas I was watching nature documentaries while eating ramen all day.'

Arthur sighed and set the box aside. 'Merlin, you're so angry.' Merlin looked mildly affronted, but Arthur spoke before Merlin could get pissed again. 'You just seem angry at the world for something I don't understand. Is there something that's only just coming out now, rearing is ugly head?'

Merlin looked away, then started to cry hot angry tears. 'What does it matter? Everyone leaves. They _ALWAYS_ leave! Will, my mum, my dad, Gaius! They left me when I NEEDED them the most! You wouldn't understand. No one did. You don't _care_ , no matter what you say or how many stupid memories you shove down my throat.' Merlin growled, voice breaking. 'I begged- _begged_ my mother not to send me back to that boarding school but did she listen? No. She sent me away. She didn't want me, she never wanted me. Resented me after my dad died. He-he was the headteacher!'

Merlin curled in on himself. 'The one you're meant to _trust_. But no one understood, no one listened. Except Will. He listened, but he just fucked off straight after I told him, after I opened up to him.' There was fiery scorn in Merlin's voice. From what Arthur could remember about what Merlin had told him about Will, he died from terminal cancer. From Merlin's words, Arthur could only _guess_ at what his headmaster did and it left Arthur seeing red.

'I'm a failure! No one wants me! They all fucking up and leave!' Merlin lashed out aggressively, punching the wall beside him. 'ALL OF THEM! WILL, MUM, GAIUS, DAD! EVEN YOU LEFT!' Merlin snarled at Arthur who blinked in shock. Merlin realised what he had said and shrank back. 'You left.' He said quietly. 'You left to take that job in Bath. You left me alone. Even if you came back on weekends, you still left me alone like _some bit on the side_.'

Arthur had taken a job offered to him in Bath, offering a lot more money and status. He stayed in Bath during the week and came back during the weekends and Arthur didn't think it bothered Merlin that much. Clearly he was wrong.

'Are you seeing with someone else? Building up notches on the bedpost?' Merlin sounded heartbroken and Arthur pulled him into his arms.

'I'd sooner die before I betrayed you.' Arthur said fiercely.

'And then on one of the weekends I had something special planned, you went to go visit _your_ fucking family.' Merlin seethed between heavy sobs. 

Arthur rubbed circles on Merlin's back gently. 'I'm sorry, but it was for a good reason.' Merlin huffed. 'I was asking my parents' advice on how to propose to you.'

Merlin pulled away, wiping his eyes. 'What?'

'Because i'm such a 'dedicated worker', they finally allowed me to make any transfers if I so wish. I was going to transfer back here anyway, to be with you every night, but I would've loved it even more if I woke up with you as my fiance every morning.' Arthur said.

'But...' Merlin sniffled. 'I've been such a dick.'

Arthur rolled his eyes fondly. 'A clotpole, you might say.' Merlin blushed at the created insult. 'It's perfectly understandable, Merlin. I'm just sorry you felt like you couldn't tell me.'

'I'm sorry I made Gwen cry.' Merlin rested his head against Arthur's shoulder. 

'It's okay!' Gwen said through the door, as if in passing.

Merlin smiled, still crying a bit. 'She's an angel.'

'She is.' Arthur agreed. He then rummaged around in the box of memories and pulled out a velvet box. 'This is one of the things I was going to show you.'

'Yes, if you'll have me.' Merlin said, crying happy tears now. He wrapped Arthur tightly in a much-needed hug.

'Merlin, I need to put the ring on you.' Arthur reminded. He opened it and Merlin looked touched.

'It's amazing.' He said.

'It has meteorite in it.' Arthur said. 'Because I feel like you are so bloody wonderful, you came from the stars.'

 

**Author's Note:**

> All images/gifs are from the internet


End file.
